It is now 3:05AM on day 2+ of trying to solve this. I can't believe it took over a day for someone to post something irrelevant. I said in the OP that I didn't want to do some elaborate and unreliable hardware mod to do this. Needless to say that after working constantly for 2+ days and getting nowhere I'm pretty angry with the situation and want to throw the ps3 at something...
There are no programs that do this without linux. I only really found about 2 or so tutorials on how to get some kind of linux onto 3.55 kmeaw. I couldn't really follow either because they both (and apparently every frickin' tut anywhere) use multiupload or something like it to host the related files.
Those kinds of sites are dead now. So it's impossible for me to do as far as I can tell. (countless hours of looking for the needed files via newsgroups, google, and torrent sites have turned up nothing)
I just got done 'installing' debian onto a usb drive using bootos 2.1 and then it restarted and it was like I hadn't done anything. No way to boot into it, it just goes back to the blue menu to install it again (install is the only option). Burning ubuntu was a waste of a CD as the bootos-v3.0-petitboot.pkg does not exist on the internet.
Meanwhile I still have no clue how hot the damn thing is getting, so I'm running the fan full on to make sure it doesn't over heat, so it's loud as hell in here.
There are several sites with the same information on them, but they all link to the non existent multiupload page for the otheros petitboot thing.
This used to be a place one could get real help. The IRC channel doesn't even exist anymore (as far as I can tell) and it took a day to get that. What happened here?